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The Timeline Of A Marriage Ending & Growing Into Who I Am Today

With hindsight one day, you will look back and realise that your marriage ending was the easy part. It was everything else you had to heal, grow and move through after that really took your grace, confidence, empowerment and growth. Your marriage ending...that's going to be the easy part. It's you at the very start.

Carla Da Costa

 

A marriage ending is never an overnight decision. Someone percolated on the state of their marriage and their feelings about their partner and towards their marriage for a long time before ever expressing them out loud to others.

 

We leave in our head emotionally, before we leave with our feet.

 

The moving on and finding yourself after your marriage ended journey for a woman is not going to be a process of months. I’d love to normalise and make you comfortable with the truth that for you, new partner in your life or not, it may take you years.

 

And if it does I want you to know that’s ok. It says nothing about you negatively other than I have so much inner growth to do, I had been living far from my potential, far from my true self.


And maybe just like it was for me, you need to claw your way back to true self.


Enjoy my breakdown and timeline. May you see yourself in it. Know this...this happened for me only because of my growth and inner healing...time did not do this for me. It was me. I created this.



Hello old version of me. Lets start with you.

 

In 2014 I started feeling unhappy in my marriage. I started to checkout emotionally. I began to pull away. I started putting energy into building my confidence and sense of self which was much needed at the time. I started focusing on my needs as a woman in small ways around my daughters who were both still at home with me.

 

In 2015 I checked out of my marriage sexually. I avoided sex as much as possible until it eventually became a hard ‘no.’ This happened because I’d shut down and pulled away even further emotionally. I didn’t feel appreciated, seen or listened too. I communicated this only somewhat to my ex-husband at the time because I was not confident or forthright in expressing my emotions in a healthy, feminine way. I was also scared to say I’m not happy, I don’t think I can do this anymore because of the change admitting how I felt out loud would bring.

 

September 2015 I asked for a divorce. I had reached a point of acceptance that I couldn’t get from this marriage what I needed as a woman. I accepted that who I am is who I am. And that who my husband is, is who he is. I stopped expecting or needing him to change and I accepted us both for who we are. Eight years past this decision point I can tell you that this was the right decision. Both of us have grown and improved but neither of us have changed our innate personalities or our desires we need met to be lit up humans.

 

In June 2016 my husband finally accepted that we were over, that I wasn’t going to change my mind. This is the trauma response of many soon to be ex-partners, to bury their head in the sand, hoping the problem will go away and that the other person will change their mind or realise that they're wrong. It can be a very challenging time to navigate a partner in this space, they can be exceptionally avoidant, angry, resentul, reactive. During this time we together set up a home for him to move into while I stayed in the family home with our daughters and we prepared it for sale.

 

July 2016 I met a man on my first night out as a newly single woman. He was also going through a divorce. I thought perfect, I’ve met my next long-term relationship, we have so much in common. This was my dream result to have found someone so quickly.

 

September 2016 I returned back to working as a dental hygienist after five years away from the profession so I could afford to financially support myself as a single woman. My coaching business was a growing side hustle as this stage that I was growing in the evenings and the weekends.

 

December 2016 the family home was sold.

 

January 2017 as I moved out of our family home my boyfriend broke up with me after six months together. He couldn’t be there to support me while he too was going through the thick of his own divorce and also with some unresolved things going on in his head about his life. I was absolutely heartbroken. In one week my entire life changed and was upended.

 

February 2017 I moved into my own home. I learnt to stand on my own two feet for the first time as a woman. To be in the drivers seat of my own life in my purpose, confidence and financially. This was a huge learning curve for me as I'd never had a household bill in my own name before or had to financially support myself as an adult before.

 

Between 2017 and 2020 the healing and self-growth journey began in all areas of my life. I had a signifigant and loving 2 year soul mate relationship and was proposed to - I said no because I knew in my heart that I would outgrow this relationship if I stayed in it, that it wasn't meant for me forever. After leaving my marriage I knew what this felt like. I worked with many different coaches over these years to uplevel in all areas of my life. I had a coach the whole time and was continually investing in my change. I had fun. I loved. I was growing my business. My social circle changed and expanded. I began to grow into a very different woman than the one I'd had to be to remain in my marriage. I knew I had a book to write within me, I knew what I wanted to call it, I knew I wasn't quite the woman ready to write her.



 In 2020 due to the pandemic I lost my job as a dental hygienist (my coaching business had grown enough by then so that I was only working 2 days a week in dentistry). I took the opportunity to step fully into my business and grow it to full time.


In mid 2020 I called time on a two year relationship with a man who I thought was my forever. This breakup broke my heart and soul. It lead me to go through a dark night of the soul and to be celibate for a year by choice - the first year in my adult and teenage life where I hadn't had a man in my head or in my bed. This break up crushed me but it also made me. He was a catalyst. The one before the one. My false twin. Though I didn't know it at the time when I went through the soul crush of it's ending.

 

By 2021 I had doubled my coaching income. I walked away from my degree as a dental hygienist and have never practiced or registered with the dental board since. No going back. String to the professional past...cut.



The first edition of my first book. The second edition was given a new cover.

 

In 2021 I wrote my first book Seconds Please and created my online program Rising Beyond Separation & Divorce. This year saw me healed from my marriage ending and having transcended any limiting self-beliefs around myself, money, my potential for the future. They were no longer in my psyche and shaping my decision making. I was in my feminine and no longer wounded or in my masculine. I knew who I was. My ex didn't trigger me. I was now fully on my path, the beginnings of my dharma. In full alignment. A manifesting energy source of my own because all the healing pieces of the puzzle had come together. Inside the new psyche had gone *click...switched on.


In 2021 after a series of unexpected life events I began to realise and admit to myself that I was no longer happy living in Perth, Western Australia. I had moved to Perth in 2001 from Melbourne to be with my then boyfriend, later husband, who lived there believing I was moving for 3-4 years, not 19 years of my life. I was being pulled back to the east coast of Australia where I was originally from. This was an uncomfortable wake up because I had two daughters and an ex-husband comfortably and happily living in Perth.

 

July 2022 I communicated to my ex-husband and daughters that I planned to leave Perth and to live on the eastern side of the country, flying back monthly to see them for as long as I had to keep doing so to facililtate this decision. I had reached a point of acceptance that I could no longer keep living a life that wasn't making me happy. Life in Perth was getting smaller and smaller for me. Life over East was energetically growing bigger and bigger like a magnet with connections, positive emotions and opportunities.

 

October 2022 I packed up my life and moved to Sydney, leaving my two daughters in Perth with their Dad and I began the journey of cross country living. I knew my future was over east and it was where I knew I belonged. In many ways I both freed my heart and broke my own heart with this decision.




2022 and 2023 was my year in Sydney of growth and now fully walking my life path of who I was meant to be. I'd become her - the woman I'd vision boarded in 2016 that I'd wanted to be. It was a profound moment of confidence, empowerment of spiritual awakening to sit with my power and ability to create my own reality in such a way despite the circumstances around me in life nothing had stopped me. I had pulled myself forward anyway. Life looked very different than I'd every planned for it to look especially with the cross country living, but it was right. During this year I wrote my second book Finding Love After Divorce on the twin flame spiritual growth journey. And I created my second online program The Art Of Rediscovering You for women like myself who had a deeper love path than the superficial one they'd left behind to walk, for women whose journey and enlightenment was deeper and more. I had coaches throughout this entire time also - working with tantra coaches, business coaches, twin flame coaches, manifestation coaches which all allowed me to be MORE for myself and MORE for my clients.



 

In October 2023 I packed up my life in Sydney and moved to the Southern Gold Coast, Northern New South Wales area. My time in Sydney had been wonderful and professionally a very good move but I had also come to realise that I was not meant to be living in a city anymore. I craved a quieter life, no traffic and to live around more like minded people like myself. This area had actually been the catalyst to wanting to move over East. I knew it was my forever place this pocket of the world, and that my people were here, but I’d always assumed it would be a move I'd do later in my life.

 

In April 2024 I started to write my third book Finding Your Happilly Ever After, After Divorce which I am continuing to do as I prepare now in July to move into my forever space in Northern NSW and to leave the hustle and bustle behind forever. I sit today as a woman who has completely financially out earned her entire family lineage. A successful business woman. And a leading Psycho-spiritual thought leader and coach in the divorce and love journey space in Australia. I often think back to the stay at home woman I used to be in 2014 and 2015 who could feel her life coming apart and changing and who only had her drive, and trust and faith to fuel her. I'm so proud of her for choosing herself with no physical proof that she would succeed and for continuing to always show up for herself regardless of the noise going around her in life.




I have become my own guiding light and in doing so a guiding light for others.


I am comfortable with being under-estimated when I am. I am comfortable with being intimidating when I am. I am comfortable with triggering those who are not ready to deal with and see their own shit and shadow and lack. I am fully comfortable.


This process has taught me so much about the spiritual growth and journey of a woman when a marriage ends and her journey home to herself. It is so much different a journey than the one men walk. I’ve learnt so much about dharma and life paths and how to find and follow your own.

 

I hope this timeline has inspired you and made you reflect on your own healing and love journey to come.


*If you resonate with the healing journey you're on at different parts of my journey then please find my way to support you through your own growth and timeline.


If you're navigating if your marriage is over or not. Needing clarity about making a decision and learning how to express it then please start here with my mini self-lead program How To Know If Your Marriage Is Over Or Not.


If you are healing from your marriage ending or know that your marriage is over, but you need the confidence to leave and move forward with your decision then please visit my Rising Beyond Separation & Divorce Program. Here we look to heal your patterning that made your marriage what it was and who you were to co-create it. We heal, we grieve, we shift into an empowered, feminine space, we cultivate our next chapter to manifest into the future, we begin to fully sit in the drivers seat of our own life and own that I'm doing this and I'm going to do it well.


If you find yourself on the Twin Flame love journey path, if you are spiritually awakening to a new version of you with a desire for a deeper love, deeper version of success and purpose in your life then my Art of Rediscovering You program is for you. This is where we shed our deepest of wounds now so we come into fully alignment with our life path and our highest timeline - our best versions of self living the life we were meant to live before life happened to us. This is my most profound and deepest program of them all. It is my pride and joy to see women in this program and really starting to fucking soar.


If you are unsure which of my programs are for you or if you are more interested in working with me as a 1:1 coaching client through your own journey then please email me at hello@carladacosta.com


With love xx




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