The king in your heart should be your partner.
That makes sense if you’re the queen.
But for this little girl, the king in my heart had always been my grandad. When my dad left my life when I was fourteen, pushed out mostly by me, my grandad stepped straight in.
And all of a sudden, I found this kindred spirit within him.
He started driving me around in his two-seater van, full of machinery and train equipment in the back, taking me to all the places he needed and wanted to visit.
God I had some of the best times and conversations in my life in that car. He’d pick me up for an hour and I’d be gone all day. And I never minded.
We talked all the way. He’d tell me about our ancestors, our family tree, what I came from. He’d tell me stories about his life, sometimes he’d ask about mine.
When he passed away, it was a soul-shattering blow to my heart, like it was to many in my family. He was just that kind of guy. Everyone loved to know him and those that didn’t were
Oh he was on a pedestal in my mind and I had no desire to topple him down. And honestly, in my world, he deserved to be up there.
When he passed, it was like a big seat was left sitting empty at the table in my heart. And I naturally looked to my partner at the time, someone I’d been in a serious relationship with
for eighteen months, to take that seat for me. It wasn’t a conversation that we had, more it was just an energetic change in me towards him.
For the first time in my womanly life, I actually needed a man to be something of a deep emotional support for me in his presence and character. I needed a king. Not a prince.
Four weeks after my grandad passed away, after having a necessary conversation with my partner at the time about what I meant to him, this partner of mine ghosted me and refused to see or speak with me ever again.
It felt like two deaths in the space of one month.
The man who had always been my king and the main man in my life, and the man who I had thought was going to be that man for me next, both gone just like that.
I was crushed on more levels than I knew possible.
On the surface he had shown up for me like a king but actually he turned out to be the biggest prince I had ever known.
I literally went from waking to his ‘good morning’ text or phone call every morning, seeing him most nights of the week, hearing from him at different times of the day, always getting
a goodnight from him whether in person or on the phone, to nothing. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Like I’d never existed to him or mattered.
It was like someone had snuck up behind me and pulled the rug out from under my feet.
I spent much of that year not knowing who I was grieving for ... my feelings were so intense and in so much of a mess. Was it my grandad I was grieving for? Or was it my ex-partner? Hoping and assuming always that it was more my grandad because at least he deserved it.
A woman only has room for one king in her heart and mine had always been my grandad, and when I realised this, I realised something else. This meant I’d only ever had room for a prince to come sit down at the table in my heart. The king seat had already been taken in a very solid way.
No one had ever really compared to my grandad in my eyes and I’d deliberately chosen princes that could never have possibly filled or threatened his seat. Princes that didn’t even
Seeing this I understood not just myself but so many of the women in my family who had been blessed to be loved by him, but couldn't quite find a love that quite measured up to him. Sub-consciously we'd not wanted too. And my grandad in a way kind of loved that - his place in our life. He created and bred us to be strong and independent.
If you’re the apple of your father’s eye or a daddy’s girl, this might be why you’ve chosen princes for yourself too.
This may even be stopping you from fully stepping into your highest self, your own version of a queen self.
When I realised that I’d never wanted to topple my grandfather from his pedestal, I saw all the ways that my love choices had kept him up there.
My grandad was the safest source of love from a man in my life. Every princess needs a king to look after her and he was mine. I wish I’d learnt this before he passed.
In many ways, my grandad passing was the invitation for me to become my own version of a queen and start my journey to becoming an energetic match to the now-empty king seat at my table.
To step out of the princess seat I’d sat in so lovingly next to my grandfather, shuffle along the table and claim my new seat. And to then patiently keep living my life while I waited for someone to sit down in the now empty king seat beside me.
If my grandad passing was the invitation to step into my queen seat and life path, my ex-partner ghosting me was certainly the painful push.
The following years’ lessons after my grandad’s passing were difficult because of the loss and deep soul shifts, but they have become increasingly graceful because of the personal gain.
Before he passed, I talked about my sadness over this to him—that I could feel I was entering an exciting new beginning and season in my life but that he wasn’t going to be here to witness it.
I feel a certain serendipity and a passing of the baton in the fact that the end of my grandad’s life overlapped with a new beginning in mine.
Within four weeks of his passing, everything that wasn’t meant for me or good enough for me walked itself out of my life. From my career through to my love life. The shit took itself
out while I watched, slowly falling to my knees in disbelief.
Everything I had thought was certain in my life and for my future, I discovered
I truly believe it was all of my grandfather’s design. A complete clearing and reshuffle of my life table that brought me, in many ways, to write Seconds Please. I’m grateful for all of it now.
A woman only has room for one king in her life, just like a king only has room for one queen.
Make sure you have your seats filled right.
*This is a chapter excerpt from the book "Seconds Please ~ Lessons On Life, Love & Self After Divorce." You can learn more about it here.
_______________________________________________________________________________ Carla Da Costa is the author of Seconds Please ~ Lessons On Life, Love & Self After Divorce and a certified Law Of Attraction coach based in Perth, Australia. Carla works with women who are separated, divorced or divorcing through her private coaching practice, her online program "Elevate You" and her books.
Carla supports and inspires women to make this next season of their life, the best season of their life. Creating results in their personal and romantic love life that they couldn't create as quickly on their own, while also avoiding many of the modern world dating and relationship heartbreaks and pitfalls. To find out more about Carla's group coaching program Elevate You to support you to create your own life path with your Queen mindset on click here. To learn more about working with Carla one on one through her Future Me program click here. Alternately you can view Carla's book Seconds Please here.