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Soul Mates vs. Wound Mates. Which Type Of Relationship Are You (Or Were You) In?

Soul mate relationships are rare. And it's not because they don't exist or because they are some fanciful, spiritual idea.


It's because we as humans are only now beginning to culturally accept and allow the release of long-term relationships and marriages that no longer serve us, or are a match for us. Without the evidence of physical abuse. Without a relationship even needing to be toxic, unhealthy, emotionally abusive.


This undoing process of long-term relationships, which in past generations would have seen us having to make good with the bed we were lying in, has ultimately opened us up to be able to enter into a next level of partnership that is a reflection of us evolving upwards in ourselves over staying stuck.


Can you see the beauty in this amongst the pain?


This ability to ascend higher in love and ourselves by detaching from the idea that it must be our first marriage/long-term relationship that is this soul mate relationship for us.


I know for myself, that I certainly was not in the emotional space to be ready for such a love like that in my 20's when I chose my marriage for myself.


Which doesn't make my choice of husband for my first marriage 'wrong.' Simply the choice I made that was a reflection of who I was at that time.


Certainly not the woman that I am today. Nor the woman that I was when I asked for a divorce 14 years later into our relationship and marriage.


I reflect all the time to myself that I could not be who I am today if I had stayed in my first marriage.



Many of us, in our early adulthood, chose a wound-mate style relationship first or even several times over for ourselves without realising because we were a product of our childhood upbringing and our wounds. And we often cycled through many wound mate relationships until we eventually landed on one that we felt was an improvement on our parents marriage and our subsequent childhood experience, and subsequently married it!


So which type of relationship are you in, or were you in?


Let's break them both down...

(Further more detailed information can be found about this in my first book 'Seconds Please' which you can find here).


Characteristics Of Wound Mates


  • Relationship feels like it's on a cycle of drama and the same issues/arguments repeat themselves and never fully resolve. The cycle is characterised by moments of peace, building up of tension as the issue arises again, the build up of tension explodes in both or one as an argument or inner explosion, a coping mechanism is employed to get past the tension part of the cycle and to feel a sense of false calm again (eg. silent treatment, one partner goes away for a time, biting of our tongues to keep the peace, an affair).

  • Connection based on unresolved trauma, lack of self-worth, validation, financial fear, low self-belief.

  • A need to fix or save one or both in the relationship.

  • Feels intoxicating, chaotic, unpredictable and sometimes addictive.

  • Reflects unhealthy dynamics with parents or childhood dynamics.

  • When the wound is healed in one the relationship comes to an end because we feel we have 'outgrown' our partner, which is true, you most likely have.



Characteristics Of Soul Mates


  • Relationship feels healing and easeful. You feel seen, heard and appreciated for being you, not for what you do.

  • Shared values, outlook on life, vitality. The connection supports you growing together as individuals and as a couple.

  • You empower each other.

  • Feels grounded and consisitent. The relationship just flows.

  • The relationship has been consciously created and comes together as a result of each individual's growth. The relationship is not a reflection of your parents' dynamic nor a deliberate attempt to be in something different from your parents' dynamic or do better. It just is.


I was not an energetic match for a soul-mate relationship in my twenties. I wouldn't have attracted or pursued one. I wasn't ready for such a love. There wasn't enough of a 'hook' in it for me. The flow and calm would not have felt attractive or push/pull enough.


And I couldn't have possibly have held such a thing because I didn't have the emotional self-awareness or growth.


I would have wasted such a love if it had entered my life path then.

I was not ready for it.

I had not evolved in myself enough.

My journey is true for many.


Learning on others, and others learning on us is our collective consciousness evolving at our own loving, upward pace toward a relationship that is closer to that of a soul mate.


Can you see how different this journey is going to be for everyone in it's pace and in its lessons?


Depending on our wounds, childhood conditioning and experience, some of us have a little to learn and some of us have a lot.


And that's ok.



If this post has resonated with you deeply then please reach out to me via email at hello@carladacosta.com to explore the ways in which I can support you to leave a wound mate style relationship OR ready yourself emotionally to energetically be a match for a soul mate one.



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