The majority of my clients, have at one point in their marriage, been to marriage counselling with their partner. Sometimes they've been for a handful of sessions and found themselves nowhere better than when they started, other times they have tried numerous different marriage counsellors over many years without resolvement or improvement in the relationship dynamic.
Why does this happen?
Clients come to me when they know their marriage is over but they're struggling to accept it or own their truth confidently enough that they are able to voice it out loud to their spouse.
Or they come to me after their marriage has ended.
In our sessions, I find myself privy to the inner thoughts of my clients, thoughts they didn't share in their marriage counselling sessions or with their partners.
This insight allows me to see inside the dynamics of a marriage counselling session and understand why marriage counselling so rarely works to improve the dynamics of a marriage in the medium - long term.
Almost always one, if not both partners in the marriage counselling session are not sharing their full truth or feelings in the sessions. They don't share details about emotional or physical affairs they've been involved in or having. They don't share their most intimate emotions or feelings. In fact anything that may end the marriage is often withheld and not expressed. The issue here is that the truth is the only thing that will set this couple free. To evolve and deepen or to end. The full truth will either give room and reason for the relationship to evolve, mature, deepen and improve because all things that need to be worked through and resolved are laid bare. Or the full truth will end the marriage which frees both individuals from a marriage that is not authentic or love. In this instance where truth is not being expressed by both, going to a marriage counsellor, is literally like taking your money and throwing it out the window. How can a marriage counsellor help this couple if the whole truth is not being shared? They can't.
My professional experience is that at least one individual in the marriage counselling session has emotionally already checked out of the relationship. They just haven't left the relationship with their feet. Sometimes they haven't left 'yet' because they are still preparing themselves financially to leave with career re-training or work. Sometimes the 'yet' is for reasons of children's ages - they're waiting for children to reach a certain age or to move out of home. Or the 'yet' is for reasons of fear and worry about what ending the marriage will mean for their future and the impact on their family relationships. Some clients expressed to me they had no plans to leave their marriage even though it was disconnected, no longer love or unhealthy and it was their partner who left them. They sat in the marriage counselling sessions and gave the answers they needed to give, even if they weren't truthful, to bring the sessions to a close.
A good marriage counsellor in my experience is rare, but if you do find one, they will ask fantastic prying questions and work towards the personal and emotional growth of both individuals. This can often result in one of the partners deciding 'they don't like this marriage counsellor' or saying 'this one isn't helping' to avoid having to be truthful, to having to do the work on themselves, which sees the couple moving onto a different marriage counsellor at the suggestion of one in the relationship, hoping for a different result. This is avoidance behaviour by the couple or by one individual in the marriage.
It's a hard truth but not all marriages are saveable or meant to be saved. Many marriages are defined by the same cycle of argument and disputes on repeat, with moments of peace, only to flare up back into the same old argument again in time. This cycle, compounded over many years, creates such an underlying dynamic of resentment, hurt and emotional/physical disconnection that there is nothing left to rebuild upon. An entirely new relationship foundation is required from both individuals and very rarely is it possible for both individuals to leave so much past behind, to bring nothing into the future with them and to be able to do so long-term.
Not all marriage counsellors are wonderful at what they do. They don't ask the right questions. Their advice is not impartial and is shaped by their own personal views or experience of marriage. Or they can't feel into what is not being spoken in the room and prise the truth out of the couple. You can be a marriage counsellor and be in an average or terrible marriage of your own, projecting onto your clients your own emotional story and values as normal. I've also heard of marriage counsellors telling my clients to stay in marriages, sharing their terrible stories or their own marriage endings, or close friend's marriage endings gone bad. This is terribly unprofessional behaviour and always confuses individuals more.
How can I support you if my shares here have resonated with you?
My coaching is individual focused. In two hours through my private members portal:
I lead my client, step by step, to come to their own truth and clarity about the state of their marriage, to their own behaviour and what it really means.
We quieten my clients fears, self-doubt and any pressure being projected onto them from family members and partners - all of which cloud our decision making and judgement.
We determine the wound mate cycle of their marriage and unpack together can this be something that is improved or evolved out of? Or is this cycle and patterning here to stay.
We uncover the reason behind their emotional and physical affair. Is it just because I'm unhappy or does this affair relationship have long-term capability?
When a separation or marriage ending has stalled we uncover why this is and how to move the separation forward.
We create an ideally amicable pathway forward to separate if this is what is decided upon. We discuss next steps, navigating partners, children, finances.
*Only I can see my clients inside this 2 hour program. It is entirely private.
*Access to my members portal is given to my clients through their email account immediately after they join.
Please find 'How To Know When Your Marriage Is Over' by clicking here.
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