7 Reasons You Still Feel Controlled by Your Narcissistic Ex (and How to Take Back Your Power)

Dealing with a narcissistic ex after separation can feel like you’re still living under their influence — even though the marriage is over. Many women tell me they’ve left physically, but emotionally they still feel trapped.

The truth is, breaking free from a narcissistic ex isn’t about no contact or setting boundaries. It’s about healing the parts of you that were conditioned to keep the peace, seek approval, or doubt your own power.

Here are seven reasons your narcissistic ex may still feel in control — and what needs to shift for you to reclaim your energy and independence.

1. You were emotionally trained to keep the peace

During the marriage, you learned to tiptoe around conflict to avoid their reactions. That pattern doesn’t disappear overnight or simply because you the marriage ended. Healing starts with breaking that emotional training and no longer being manipulated or triggered by them.

2. They hold emotional sway through your children

When you share children, they may use emotional influence to unsettle you or turn children away from you. Setting clear, respectful boundaries — while staying grounded in your truth — helps you lead from calm authority, empowerment and not fear (which is what opens you up to being able to be manipulated by them).

3. They exploit your wounds and fears

Narcissists study your insecurities and use them to regain control. Healing your emotional wounds and facing your fears removes their power to manipulate you. They have nothing to hook in and trigger you.

4. You’re attached to the fantasy version of them

You may still hold onto the good memories or the person they pretended to be. That illusion keeps you tied to the past and the illusion is wrong. Seeing them clearly is what frees you because you're seeing with full clarity exactly what you were in instead of what you wanted to see yourself in - big difference.

5. You haven’t fully processed the trauma

Unhealed pain leaves “open wounds” that make manipulation easier. Processing your grief and anger is what closes those emotional doors.

6. You still fear their reactions

If they once used guilt, rage, or intimidation, fear might still run the show — even from a distance. Shifting to a mindset where their emotions no longer dictate your choices or impact your emotional space is essential.

7. You haven’t fully reclaimed your identity

You may have lost your sense of self while surviving the marriage. Until you rebuild confidence, clarity, and self-trust, their words can still land and trigger too deeply because you don't know who you are,

Healing and taking back your power

Dealing with a narcissistic ex isn’t just about managing them — it’s about transforming you. You are the journey.

Your healing, reclaiming your identity, and building emotional resilience make their control over you impossible.

That’s the work we do inside AfterGlow — my six month coaching program for women ready to rebuild their confidence, energy, and self-trust after separation.

If you’re done being emotionally affected, triggered and manipulated by your ex and ready to rise into your next chapter free and with power and peace, AfterGlow is your next step. Please learn more here.