It has been six years between saying “I love you”. Six years between love leaving my life after divorce and separation before I felt ready for it to return in a relationship and in a way that I felt ready and open to say it (for transparency I want to share, a relationship I am no longer in). Love during those six years was not even in my vocabulary unless you were one of my daughters. If a partner said “I love you” I responded with “thank you” and somehow managed to get away with it.
So I feel reasonably qualified in saying that I was once a women who identified with being strong and independent. Outwardly I was looking for love, outwardly I had love in my life as I had a partner/partners for most of those six years, but truthfully I was not open to love. I wanted it but I didn’t really all that it came with - the closeness, the intimacy.
I subconsciously blocked love from entering my life in every way I could. It’s something I’m not necessarily proud of. I stayed in long-term relationships with great men I didn’t love. I was difficult and hard to pin down. I went out a lot and having fun socially was more of my priority- without them around.
In an intimate relationship no matter how much my partner tried, I was hard to get to know, to crack open emotionally, stubbornly independent and my most favourite criticism thrown at me during that time “outside of bed you’re nothing but a fucking Ice Queen”.
Yes….I’ll take that one on the chin. I deserved it. I was not affectionate, I certainly wouldn’t have identified as being in my feminine- whatever that meant.
I say this to give perspective because I’m so far removed from that person now. I won’t go into the reasons why I became that woman other than to say, I wasn’t always that woman. I’m 37 so it goes without saying that like many of us I’ve had my own fair share of hurt, heartbreak and emotional baggage.
Going through a stage of needing to feel a deep sense of independence, strength and capability on your own as a woman is important. And it was for me also. I talk about it HERE as the second stage of femininity.
But left out of emotional balance, our over-independence in a relationship can slowly suffocate it. And it can block us from attracting an ideal guy into our lives.
The armour that served one purpose becomes the baggage that ultimately blocks the way.
In my experience there are five primary traits that independent and strong women have in their personal lives. Whether some or all of them apply to you, they are in combination blocking you from finding love and from receiving into your life the love and types of relationships you desire. I write this not from a point of fault. I write this instead simply with a strong desire to see women love and be loved. To show up in life and in their business leading from the heart.
We can undoubtedly be happy and thrive on our own. But life takes on more meaning and marvel when it’s shared with someone else and leaning into that truth is everything.